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Old 09-16-2010, 11:29 AM
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uwenger is on a distinguished road
Default new partner wants me to quite having contact with former partner

Hi you all

I have a serious problem which accompanies me for almost 10 monts. 2 1/2 Jahren years ago, I met a woman from Canada, during my 6 months sabbatical here in Canada. I'm living in Europe.

Shortly before my sabbatical, my then partner and I decided to split up. We both still have contact every now and then and we respect each other, also because she has a daughter of 17 years and her daughter Sibille means a lot to me. She's not my biological daughter though, I met my former partner when her daugther was 4 years old.

On holidays like Christmas or easter, my expartner and her daugther usually invite me over for lunch and then we chat a little bit alltogether.

Now with my new partner from Canada, I actually want to invite her to my country in Europe. So far, it was always me coming over to Canada.

The problem I'm facing is, that my new partner has a very strong aversion against my expartner and my rare contacts to her in general. To be clear, I don't visit them a lot. That's probably every two months or on holidays like easter and christmas. In rare cases, I do repair their computer, as they don't have a lot of computer knowledge.

Meanwhile, my new partner from Canada hates my ex-partnerin as she expressed, even though she has never seen her and never talked to her. All because she knows that I still have some contact with my former partner. On one hand, I can understand my new partner, as she was never in my country yet and it's probably very difficult to trust from a long distance.

My new partner wants me to completely blank out my former partner. Meaning she wants me to completey stay away from the apartement where my former partner and her daughter live. She doesn't want me to go into their apartement anymore. Even phone calls are very difficult for my new partner to accept. If my former partner wants to ask me something regarding her daughter, that wouldn't be possible anymore. I guess it has to do that my new partner can't understand what we are talking about on the phone, if, if my former partner calls me. If I want to call my stepdaughter Sibille, my new partner suggested that I call her on her mobile phone instead of their home line. She is afraid that I would get her mother on the line and talk a little bit with her.

My point is, a daughter has always a mother. And as long Sibille lives with her mother, I can't completely blank out and abandon her mother. That's simply not possible and I don't even want to completely avoid my former partner.

My new partner tells me that it's not about the daugther, that it's about her mother.

I know it wouldn't work trying to maintain contact with her daughter and avoid her mother completely. That's an illusion.

For my expartners daugther Sibille, it's important, even tough she's already 17 years old, to have a contact to another adult like me. She told me that once. As she has lost contact with her biological father. And she really suffered from that, not having contact with her biological father anymore. Therefore, it's even more important for me to take responsability and give Sibille the security she needs, and that involves as well dealing with her mother and my former expartner.

I just want to know, If I'm really dead wrong with my views towards how I maintain contact with my former partner and the way I see it. I know, everybody sees it a little bit different.

Thank you
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Old 05-11-2011, 9:04 PM
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sounds like your current partner has security and jealousy issues that need to be addressed.you may be able to work through them but if not you have to ask yourself which is more important your past relationship and her daughter or your current relationship.try talking with your current partner and explain your feelings about your expartners daughter see if she can understand your need to be a pillar for the 17 yr old and your parental instinct to help guide another young persons life.If not you may have to make a choice on what relationship is more important to you.It not fair but it is life we all have to make hard and upsetting choices sometimes.You could even try taking your former partner with you to meet the ex and her daughter and let her see how you react with them is nothing to feel threatened by.
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